tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-84055540881131283722024-02-08T03:03:33.566-08:00Ma Chere Moineau“There will enter Jannah people whose hearts will be like those of the hearts of the birds.” [Muslim]Chere Moineauhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06949482298526601779noreply@blogger.comBlogger23125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8405554088113128372.post-17936479311812197392012-06-06T22:11:00.000-07:002012-06-06T22:11:00.865-07:00Rida (Contentment)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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One of my favourite lecturers is Shaykh Abdal Hakim Murad. He speaks about the concept of Rida in this video, and it's one of the key lectures that I like to go back to time and time again. </div>
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May Allah SWT reward the Shaykh in both worlds. Ameen.</div>
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<br />Chere Moineauhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06949482298526601779noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8405554088113128372.post-10065873223622462162012-06-03T21:57:00.002-07:002012-06-03T21:58:18.941-07:00Heart & Head (Part Deux)I forgot to mention something super-duper important in that last post about this Brother..let's call him "Muhammad".<br />
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And that very important thing is the fact that...<br />
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...he's one of my matchmakers. </div>
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"Assalaamualaikum sister, I wanted to talk to you about something but didn't get a chance to do so in person. If I offend you or if you want me to stop talking about this matter, let me know and I'll end the topic right away. But my question is whether you are looking to get married. One of my friends is also looking, and I think that you guys would be a good match."<br />
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And when that didn't work out with his friend (he wanted someone younger), Muhammad wrote:<br />
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"InshaAllah I'll keep a look-out for you. Just let me know what criteria you have in mind."<br />
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What a typical story-line. Falling for your matchmaker.<br />
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Si je me souviens bien, il y a un film de Jennifer Lopez sur ce sujet. Oh, mon Dieu.<br />
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Alors, j'ai decide de faire le priere de consultation - salaat al istikhara.<br />
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Le resultat: je vais attendre.<br />
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I mean, I haven't seen him or had any contact with him since realising that I like him. So it just doesn't make much sense to do anything at this point.<br />
<br />
Plus, we'll be working on phase two of this project come July, and I wouldn't want things to be awkward between us.<br />
<br />
So, I'll wait it out.<br />
<br />
And when I'm ready, and if this crush endures the test of time, then I have an action plan.<br />
<br />
I know exactly the couple that I'd approach to be the "middlemen" and find out if there's any reciprocity on his part.<br />
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I know to seek advice from a particular family member - one who was married to an Arab.<br />
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I know to test the waters with my parents by posing hypothetical questions.<br />
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And I know that I don't know him well enough as a potential - but that the possibility of getting to know him in a personal capacity is always there.<br />
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Oh Allah, grant me khayr, where-ever it may be.Chere Moineauhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06949482298526601779noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8405554088113128372.post-60729937082376031202012-05-19T14:58:00.002-07:002012-06-03T21:58:26.716-07:00Heart & Head<br />
About a week ago, I suddenly came upon a realisation. We were sitting on the beach, watching the waves gently tumble in. The day had been serene and quiet with lots of space for reflection. <br />
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And then, out of nowhere, "Oh my God. I have a crush on him"<br />
<br />
And as soon as those words were said out loud, I realised that there was no way I could deny that they were the truth. <br />
<br />
I was dumb-founded. I was shocked. <br />
<br />
How could it be? <br />
<br />
I mean, yes, he's a wonderful brother. But he's so different from what I expected for myself. But then again, "falling" isn't really expected either. <br />
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--------------------------<br />
"We're often the last ones to see what's right in front of us", she reassured me. <br />
<br />
And I have this dreaded feeling that everyone thought there was something going on between us, and ofcourse, I was the last to pick up on it.<br />
<br />
--------------------------------<br />
And now, I'm a little bit stuck. Because my heart tells me he's the one. <br />
<br />
But my head tells me that, rationally, logically, it just wouldn't make sense. And that it would be too challenging to fight this. It tells me that the fact that he's younger than me; the fact that he's from a completely different cultural background; the fact that he's still pursuing his studies; and the fact that he doesn't want to get married until after he's done his master's, are all obstacles.<br />
<br />
And then, it reminds me that even though he's said that he respects me and admires me, this is no indication that he feels simlarly about me. I mean, he could simply see me as older sister, a role model.<br />
<br />
It's scary. To have feelings for someone before the "getting to know you for the purpose of marriage" stage. Because it's just so much more safer to get to know someone and then to develop feelings for them.<br />
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<br />Chere Moineauhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06949482298526601779noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8405554088113128372.post-81210341186828369332012-02-11T23:31:00.000-08:002012-02-11T23:31:00.202-08:00simplicity<div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">[August 2010]</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">I am genuinely laughing. Really, I am.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">You know when you're at the recieveing end of an insult, but it's actually a compliment? Well, I just got one today.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">So apparently, I am<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><i>too simple</i>.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">This is according to the latest rishta match, Bilal.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">He thought I was <em>too</em> simple.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">As if that's a bad thing. Hmpf.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">My friends and I always suspected that we were different from the other girls. There was something that separated us from them. And in long, lazy conversations, we soon discovered that the difference was this: we are simple; they are not.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">But I think I always believed that this wasn't something people could actually<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><i>see</i>.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Like the way you<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><i>see</i><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>that someone is wearing black.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Or the way you<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><i>see</i><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>that someone has brown eyes and black hair.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">My friends, 'tis is.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">We have labels affixed to our foreheads, that say, "Simple Girl".</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">And now I<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><i>know</i><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>that people can see it.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">But does this bother me?</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">No, not even in the smallest sense. Because I am happy to be me.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Happy, because to me, Islam is simplicity.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">And I don't think I would consider myself to be a proper Muslimah if I didn't have some element of simplicity.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">I am a Simple Girl, and I am proud to be one. </div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">On a side note, I think I should add one more thing to my list of desirable qualities in a prospective husband: simplicity.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium "Times New Roman"; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">After all, I don't want to be the one sitting around, waiting for<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><i>him</i><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>to get ready. I think I'd much prefer it to be the other way around.</div>Chere Moineauhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06949482298526601779noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8405554088113128372.post-45819003306667713722012-02-08T23:19:00.000-08:002012-02-08T23:19:00.797-08:00Slipping away[July 2010]<br />
<br />
<strong>Part Five</strong><br />
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Since Monday, I've been thinking about what my thoughts are on this whirlwind. <br />
<br />
And it only comes to one logical conclusion: For those days, my imaan slipped a little and my belief in qadr waned. This was supposed to happen, and yet it didn't.<br />
<br />
Maybe Mum was right about both those things.<br />
<br />
I was asking myself why I had to go through this.<br />
<br />
I started reading a lot of that wonderful book, <a href="http://www.dont-be-sad-alqarni.com/">Don't Be Sad</a> and I hungrily searched through all of my kitaabs for excerpts on qadr, being content with destiny, and tassawuf.<br />
<br />
And then the moment that I began to see this as a test, everything fell into place.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Allah only tests those that He loves.<br />
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And guess what? He loves me. :)<br />
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This thought alone keeps me going, and I know that because He loves me, He wants to bring me closer to Him. I've got my faults, and Allah's way of testing me (with these siblings, with this rishta process) is His way of pushing me to seek His aid.<br />
<br />
SubhanAllah, were it not for my imaan, and for that things that I have already been taught and my conviction in them, I really think I would have been depressed a long time ago. <br />
<br />
May Allah save us all from that diesease.<br />
<br />
SubhanAllah, the amount of tawakul Allah that my parents have is amazing. And I am so blessed to have them as shining figures in my life.<br />
<br />
So, when a servant really wants something, they constantly ask for it.<br />
<br />
All the time. After every salaat. In every duaa.<br />
In the last third of the night. Alone, and weeping.<br />
<br />
Yes, I really want to be nikah'd and I really want someone to be partnered off with. But I want that to be the right someone.<br />
<br />
Someone who's entire heart is filled with love for Allah, and who only loves me for His sake.<br />
Someone who is a source of inspiration and a role model for me in so many ways.<br />
Someone who I can please, and who in turn, will be pleased with me. <br />
<br />
Someone who will be a good husband, and a good father.<br />
<br />
And most importantly, someone who will be good for my dunya, and more importantly, my akirah.<br />
This time around, it wasn't meant to be. And I did make an istikhara, against the advice of my family who wanted to wait it out.<br />
<br />
But if Allah is my Wali, then HE is the first one that I will consult. And that's a rule, desormais (=from this point forward).<br />
<br />
May Allah never weaken my imaan to such a state where I question His decree over me. May Allah protect me from the appearance of having Tawakul Allah and Taqwa, while being completely devoid of it, and may He instead instill in me sincere Tawakul Allah and Taqwa. May He keep me steadfast on the siraat-ul mastaqeem, and may He make the quraan easy on my lips, and the light of my heart. And may He keep me steadfast and sincere in every single one of my duaa's. Ameen.Chere Moineauhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06949482298526601779noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8405554088113128372.post-14345676803174265902012-02-04T23:15:00.000-08:002012-02-04T23:15:00.364-08:00Tissues[July 2010]<br />
<br />
<strong>Part Four </strong><br />
<br />
Monday.<br />
<br />
Day of the Event. <br />
<br />
I take my time getting ready. In fact, I take too long.<br />
My siblings leave without me.<br />
<br />
So I decide to take my time praying dhur, and then making a really long duaa right after. I'm asking Allah to fix this nothing that's bothering me so much. I can't really take this emotional rollercoaster and this constant crying.<br />
<br />
Mum walks into to my room, and asks me why I'm crying.<br />
"You think I haven't noticed you crying this past couple of days? You think I don't notice how you've managed to use up a whole tissue box in a matter of days?"<br />
<br />
She's trying to get to me. She trying her hardest to understand me. But how can I explain when I don't even understand myself?<br />
<br />
"I was crying in duaa. I only cry in Duaa." True. Almost always true. Because I've finally realised that my tear have to be productive tears, and the best way to do that is to make Duaa.<br />
<br />
She doesn't believe me. "You think I'm stupid? Just like your Auntie, eh? She thinks I'm stupid too, always lecturing me! Tell me the truth." Evidently, there's a lot of inter familial jagraa (fighting) going on recently. Too much. It's gotten to the point where my parents are seriously considering moving away somewhere (Middle East, India, or even North, since they both love it there) and they're regretting having ever sponsored family to come live in Canada.<br />
<br />
As our conversation stretches out without me having conceded any information, she grows frustrated with me.<br />
<br />
And then suddenly, I've made my mother cry. This woman, who is such a strong, brave and intelligent person - a true warrior, really. And I've made her cry. How could I?<br />
<br />
As she storms off, she tells me that I'm eating myself away with all this grief and sadness and she can't stand to see me unhappy.<br />
<br />
I don't know what to do.<br />
<br />
I don't know what to do.<br />
<br />
So I sit there.<br />
<br />
And then I make duaa.<br />
<br />
And wash my face and get ready.<br />
<br />
I head downstairs, reciting dhikr and hoping that it will give me some strength.<br />
I apologize, and she envelopes me in a hug. "What is it?" she asks, one last time. And I answer with silence, and then slowly, I tell her that I'm not really sure, but I know that I'm not myself.<br />
<br />
She has her theories.<br />
A) It's my siblings and their lack of consideration.<br />
B) It's this rishta stuff.<br />
<br />
Maybe. Maybe not.Chere Moineauhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06949482298526601779noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8405554088113128372.post-68242223991630846882012-02-02T23:13:00.000-08:002012-02-02T23:13:00.810-08:00Nothing[July 2010]<br />
<br />
<strong>Part Three</strong><br />
<br />
Saturday and Sunday, I moped around the house. I didn't feel like myself, but I didn't know why.<br />
<br />
I just wanted to be on my own, in some remote cave eating some fish, sprinkled with fresh herbs (btw, I'm so having my own herb garden one day, insha-Allah!)<br />
<br />
And they noticed and asked what was wrong. What could I say? I'm sick of life. I just want to be away from all "this" without really knowing what "this" is.<br />
<br />
Nothing.<br />
Nothing is wrong.<br />
<br />
And then nothing leads to the big momma of breakdowns.Chere Moineauhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06949482298526601779noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8405554088113128372.post-30349790829349288132012-01-31T23:06:00.000-08:002012-01-31T23:06:00.320-08:00Juice Boxes[July 2010]<br />
<br />
<strong>Part Two</strong><br />
<strong><br />
</strong>The next day, we met at the school to clear out our stuff and return our supplies to the storage space. I was asked early on, whether I would be coming on Monday. "Coming to what?" I had asked, and yet even asking didn't really clarify what anyone was talking about.<br />
<br />
When things are cleaned, counted (for inventory), and boxed, the staff sit down for some leftover snacks and boxed juices. And then before I'm really even aware of it, plans have been made for a social event. As one counsellor takes down items, transportation arrangements are made. Someone else asks me if I'm coming.<br />
<br />
I'm not sure what to say. There's no way I'd be allowed to attend the event. "But if you go, our parents will let us go too!", they say to me. <br />
<br />
And I'm in an utter state of disbelief. How did all this happen without the Supervisor's input? Have the pros and cons been labelled out? What about parental permission? What about the fact that this event is so taboo.<br />
<br />
I'm fuming. And it's not because I think I should have been consulted. But because this is such a dumb idea that does not take into account any of the possible consequences.<br />
<br />
I make my way out of the classroom with my little trolley, and Sarah helps me out. As we walk to the masjid, I tell her that I think this is a dumb idea. It took us so long to earn this (patriarchal, uber-traditional, no-women-in-the-masjid mentality) community's trust, and all it would take is one little celebration not within the parameters of what is considered acceptable, for that to be blown off.<br />
<br />
So we get to the masjid, and once everything's put away, and I give mum a call. <br />
<br />
And I guess I sounded hurt, because she later came up with this theory that I think that people don't respect me. And ever since she's come up with this theory, she's started saying bizarre things like, "It's okay. Don't worry about them. You don't have to live with them the rest of your life anyways." Bizarre, yes.<br />
<br />
I hang up, and the attention suddenly turns to me.<br />
I'm asked again whether I'll be coming. And I bluntly state, "Only if I have permission."<br />
That was Friday.<br />
<br />
It doesn't really sound like a meltdown of great proportions, but it was. This writing does it no justice.Chere Moineauhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06949482298526601779noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8405554088113128372.post-22572021656669106272012-01-30T23:00:00.000-08:002012-01-30T23:00:02.935-08:00A slow start...[July 2010]<br />
<br />
Two weeks ago.<br />
<br />
Right before the end of camp, and the beginning of my breakdown.<br />
<br />
<strong>Part One</strong>I think it started with the camera drama. The staff had misplaced my camera and no one knew where it was, or cared to look for it. Except for me, of course.<br />
<br />
So while everyone was hustling, bustling and having some fun, I was frantically interrogating people, running from one person to another.<br />
<br />
It was just a camera. A three hundred dollar camera, but albeit, still just a camera.<br />
And while there were a few gentle souls that tried to console me, I kept thinking:<br />
a) Shit. I lost another camera. <br />
b) Dumb staff! I can't believe they're so irresponsible!<br />
c) Nobody's taking pictures of the picnic and the games. I HAVE to find that camera so I can start taking pics pronto.<br />
d) Why doesn't anyone else care? What the hell is wrong with everyone?<br />
<br />
After about an hour and half of mindless running about, I was getting super emotional and cranky. Sarah was trying to help me, and yet I snapped at her. I marched off, saying that I needed a walk.<br />
<br />
And I walked. Around to the other entrance, and into the washroom.<br />
<br />
I walked by camp people, in their red and purple t-shirts. I stared at the ground.<br />
<br />
I started washing my sweaty face, and then realised I probably should just make whudu.<br />
<br />
So I did.<br />
<br />
And then I sneaked into a classroom and made my way to a corner. I took my camp t-shirt off and laid it on the ground, and prayed the best dhur I had prayed that week.<br />
<br />
The best dhur of that week, maybe even that year.<br />
It took me an hour.<br />
But, by Allah, I felt so calm after.<br />
<br />
And yet, this breakdown was only the tip of the ice-berg.Chere Moineauhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06949482298526601779noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8405554088113128372.post-15141195282985174522012-01-27T23:00:00.000-08:002012-01-27T23:00:07.520-08:00Tranquilized[July 2010]<br />
<br />
Why is this bugging me so much?<br />
Okay, let's think some rational thoughts, yeah?<br />
<br />
There's no point in allowing this to bother me since I have no control over the matter to begin with.<br />
There's no point, because each thought simply leads to another, which leads to a constant spiral of anxiety.<br />
<br />
I've always told myself that things happen according to His master plan, and not our small, insignificant plans. If I trust this, why am I still so antsy?<br />
<br />
Does my reaction indicate a distortion in rational thought patterns?<br />
<br />
Why could I be feeling this way?<br />
<br />
Does it have to do with some inner insecurities?<br />
Does it have to do with some unresolved matters?<br />
Does it have to do with the fact that I made a 180* flip? Or that this optimism is so unnatural to me (on that note, am I really that immune to thinking positively and expecting the best?)<br />
Does it have to do with counter-transference of my family's thoughts and beliefs?<br />
<br />
What am I afraid of?<br />
And why?<br />
<br />
My Lord isn't just the All-Loving (Al-Wadud) and the All-Merciful (Ar-Rahmaan); He is also my Guardian Lord, my Rabb, and He will take care of my every need, insha-Allah.Chere Moineauhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06949482298526601779noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8405554088113128372.post-40164504242508104562012-01-24T01:50:00.000-08:002012-01-24T01:50:00.272-08:00Mounting Anxiety[July 2010]<br />
<br />
<strong><u>ALONE & WAITING</u></strong><br />
<br />
I'm getting so antsy now that at times I think something will just subconsciously pop out of my mouth.<br />
<br />
But I've made this promise that I wouldn't ask of anyone in this matter except of Allah, the Most High.<br />
<br />
And yet, it takes everything I have to refrain from saying anything and from speaking my thoughts.<br />
<br />
It'll be two weeks this Thursday. <br />
<br />
And I wish I had a better memory. It's taking me forever to memorise some duaas.<br />
Like this one:<br />
<br />
When waiting for news:<br />
O Allah! I ask for unexpected good and I seek refuge from unexpected evil.<br />
<br />
And even the istikhara one. I've got it in bits, but not all together - in essence I wouldn't be able to recall it without some memory aid. <br />
<br />
SubhanAllah.<br />
------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
<strong><u>Pretending</u></strong><br />
<br />
You know, when I'm so busy I can't have two seconds alone I almost forget about it. Like today at the picnic.<br />
<br />
But, I kinda just want some time to do nothing. Just be.<br />
But, the drawback to that is that my mind will wander to that topic. I just wanna know, you know? It's not that I'm hung up on it..but rather that I feel that it's so unfinished and unresolved, and I just want an answer - any answer.<br />
<br />
Mum and I were watching a documentary tonight about the coral reefs. Apparently, New Zealand has the best system of protected marine reserves in the world, so they were talking a lot about it.<br />
<br />
I thought mum would say something.<br />
She didn't.<br />
<br />
I didn't either.<br />
<br />
I just pretend to not think about it. <br />
<br />
But pretending can only work for so long.Chere Moineauhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06949482298526601779noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8405554088113128372.post-66240148090496211152012-01-22T01:42:00.000-08:002012-01-27T22:57:18.315-08:00Introducing BilalFlashback to July 2010. This was the first time I was genuinely scared about the future. It was right after I had met Bilal and this July was a roller coaster. In the next couple of posts, we're going back in time to re-visit Bilal.<br />
<br />
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
[July 2010]<br />
Scared.<br />
<br />
I am.<br />
<br />
Sam I am, Scared I am. <br />
<br />
I had my second serious rishta meeting yesterday. And I'm a different person than I was when I had my first meeting.<br />
What separates the two is two years. <br />
<br />
Two years ago, I was in third year. I was taking int'l peace and human rights. I was so naive, thinking that all that mattered was personality - not family, not looks, nothing else. <br />
<br />
I was less nervous this time, and what made me happy was that it was so halal. That sounds weird so let me explain. This time, there was no mixed seating and carrying in a tray of tea. This time, there were no women actually from the other side. All the men sat in the front room and chatted for awhile. Dad came to get the tea, and I ventured out to the backyard to talk to my sisters. And then all of the sudden, while I'm still on the phone, dad brings him outside. <br />
<br />
Awkward.<br />
<br />
But he was visibly nervous, and that made me more comfortable with my own anxiety. <br />
<br />
We talked for about 20 minutes and then it was maghrib time to they all went to the masjid. When they came back, the men chatted some more, and then right before they left, his dad came into the back room to speak to mum and me. He reminds me of my Khala's husband - chatty, but really friendly too. <br />
<br />
And that was it. <br />
<br />
My parents are happy.<br />
<br />
And I don't know where I am.<br />
<br />
Where am I? What did I think?<br />
<br />
All I can say is that I don't know. I really don't. <br />
My knowledge is so incomplete, and the knowledge of Al-Aleem is so perfect and complete.<br />
<br />
I liked some things. I didn't like other things.<br />
<br />
And I feel like I have to think everything through twice because New Zealand is so far away. It would mean leaving everything I know, and everyone I know.<br />
<br />
I wouldn't be in North America anymore. I'd be on an island. An island. <br />
<br />
Anyways, it's best to not overthink this. What is meant to happen, will happen and all I can do is hold on to my tawakul-Allah.Chere Moineauhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06949482298526601779noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8405554088113128372.post-11547949183362875792012-01-21T01:12:00.000-08:002012-01-21T01:12:00.636-08:00Why Moineau?I've never really explained the title of this blog before, now have I? Well, here's a go at it. <br />
<br />
Ma Chere Moineau = My dear sparrow. Except, it obviously sounds better en francais. Obviously. <br />
<br />
The inspiration was at least 18 years in the making. Way back in the mid-90's.<br />
<br />
-------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
When asked what my favourite animal is, I've always said, "Sparrow", without a moment's hesitation. <br />
<br />
They are such beautiful creatures, happily chirping away.<br />
<br />
My neighbourhood has plenty of sparrows, and they seem to always be around, no matter what the season or time of the day. This means that I've had plenty of opportunities to just observe them, from the time I was a small child. <br />
<br />
As a nine year old, I remember a sparrow building her nest on the inner beams of our patio roof. Her five eggs hatched by spring time, and we watched as she fed her little babies. But sad as it is, there were a handful of accidents, and only one little baby survived. One of the eggs actually toppled to the ground, with the foetus still underdevelopped. Another infant sparrow fell from the height of the roof as it was learning to walk. Another had a flying accident. And so it was, but that little mother bird, she went on caring for those of her babies that had survived. <br />
<br />
And everyday, she went out in search for food. For herself, and her little family. <br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">Umar (May Allah be pleased with him) said: I heard Messenger of Allah (PBUH) saying, <br />
<strong>"If you all depend on Allah with due reliance, He would certinly give you provision as He gives it to birds who go forth hungry in the morning and return with full belly at dusk." </strong>[At-Tirmidhi]</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div>This is a well known hadith, and possibly one of the first ones that struck a deep chord with me when I was just beginning to really embrace this deen. It's had a deep impact on how I view being a Muslim, and the commentary on it really illustrates its beauty:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">"1. Reliance on Allah is one of the most important causes of getting sustenance in this life. Allah said: {And whoever fears Allah, He will provide him a way out and will provide for him from an unforeseen direction. And whoever relies on Allah, He is sufficient for him.}<br />
</blockquote><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">2. Reliance on Allah does NOT mean not working and striving for sustenance in this life.<br />
<br />
3. Tawakkul (reliance) on Allah is: The true reliance of the heart on Allah in the pursuit of acquiring that which benefits and avoiding that which harms in this life and the hereafter and the leaving these issues up to Allah along with the true belief that no one gives, witholds, harms or benefits except Allah Most High.</blockquote><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">4. The fruit of tawakkul is the acceptance of Allah’s decree. Whoever leaves his affairs to Allah and then is accepting of what he is given has truly relied on Allah. Al-Hassan and others among the salaf defined tawakkul as ridhaa (acceptance)." [Source: <a href="http://www.moslim.se/Hadith/R_S/vil/hadeeth/riyad/00/chap007.htm">Riyaad-as-Saliheen</a>, Ch. 7] </blockquote><br />
And then there's another less well-known hadith that refers to birds:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">Abu Hurairah [ra] reported that the Messenger [saw] said: <br />
<strong>“There will enter Jannah people whose hearts will be like </strong></div><div style="text-align: center;"><strong>those of the hearts of the birds.”</strong>[Muslim] </div><br />
People whose hearts will be like those of the birds. What an incredible metaphor!<br />
The commentary on the hadith says the following:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">"1. Excellence of trust in Allah and kindness of heart are most valuable qualities beause both of them are means to enter Jannah.<br />
</blockquote><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">2. One should not worry much about one's food and means of subsistence. In fact, people should have hearts like birds who do not collect to keep in reserve anything and go out every mornign in serach of ..andfood and return to their nests fully satiated. This advice is repeated in another hadith to the effect that wehn birds leave their nests in the morning they are hungry but when they come back, their stomach are full and they do not need any more food.<br />
</blockquote><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">3. It has been interpreted that such people are those who put their trust in Allah; another interpretation is that these people are tender-hearted.<br />
</blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq">4. Just as the hearts of birds are free from every tint of jealousy, in the same way the hearts of the people of Jannah will be free from jealousy, rancor, deceit, and hatred. Secondly, just as birds are always alert and cautious of any danger, in the same way the hearts of the people of Jannah will also be wakeful. Thirdly, trust as the birds trust in Allah for their food, in the same way the people of Jannah will have complete trust in Allah regarding their sustenance, rather, their very existence." [Source: Ibid.]</blockquote>May Allah make our hearts like those of the birds. Ameen.Chere Moineauhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06949482298526601779noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8405554088113128372.post-38321149190028583362012-01-20T01:09:00.000-08:002012-01-20T02:22:26.572-08:00The Listhumility: that's the newest addition to my list now.<br />
<br />
And I realise that my list is getting very long, but it's my list, so stick it!<br />
<br />
But then again, most of the qualities that are on that list can be summed up by this: striving to be a true mumin.<br />
<br />
Your accomplishments, your good looks, your everything is because of Allah SWT. He blessed you with it, and He can take it away anytime He pleases. It's all n'ima, all of it.<br />
<br />
"Self-Made"<br />
"Blue Eyed"<br />
"Wealthy"<br />
<br />
Just a couple of the terms I've directly encountered. Blagh. It puts this awful taste in my mouth. It's such a turn-off.<br />
<br />
My alter-ego is likely having a screamfest inside.<br />
<br />
But whether we'd like to admit it or not, much of this process is about "peacocking" as one of my friends would say. You're essentially describing yourself to a perfect stranger, who will then pass some judgement as to whether or not you meet their criteria. It's natural to want to be desired.<br />
<br />
But I think there's a difference between wanting to look good and being arrogant. Scratch that. There IS a difference. <br />
<br />
Show a little humility, man.Chere Moineauhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06949482298526601779noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8405554088113128372.post-4161702273448647742012-01-18T13:47:00.000-08:002012-01-20T02:23:23.377-08:00Five Minutes<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm; text-align: center;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><a href="http://cdn.thegloss.com/files/2011/11/5-minutes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="294" nfa="true" src="http://cdn.thegloss.com/files/2011/11/5-minutes.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Think about Life for a second.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All the ups and downs. The big moments and the small things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Think about it as a trajectory. A timeline with multiple blips throughout. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And then the end.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Le fin. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Most of us, if we’re completely honest with ourselves, don’t really think about the fragility of life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have goals, dreams and aspirations for what things will look like in 10, 25, and even 40 years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And that’s fine, there’s nothing wrong with that. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">But there’s still an end.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">--------------------------------------</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">There’s a story I heard at an Islamic conference this past year, and it’s really stuck with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Shaykh pointed to two young boys in the audience and asked for their names and ages. They were both around 8 years old. He then said, </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“One day, not so far away into the future, Abdur-Rahman and Ali will be enjoying each other’s company in Jannah, insha’Allah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They’ll be eating all the wonderful foods of Jannah, and they’ll be talking to each other in the way good friends do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then, Ali will turn to Abdur-Rahman and say, ‘Hey, do you remember <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">dunya</i>?’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At this point, both brothers will sit quietly for a moment as they try to remember what <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">dunya</i> was like. What did we do?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How did the time pass by? What was it like?</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And as much as they try remembering this, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">dunya</i> is but a distant, foggy memory. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘I lived for 65 years in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">dunya</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But compared to this life, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">dunya</i> feels like a fleeting five minutes,’ Abdur-Rahman slowly responds.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ali looks over at his friend and nods his head in agreement.” </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">--------------------------------------</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And even though Allah knew that once we got to Jannah (insha’Allah) our lives in the dunya would seem like a fleeting five minutes, and that our trials and challenges would seem like minor scratches, He still prepared us for it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because He knew that while we were here, Life wouldn’t seem like a fleeting five minutes – especially not when we’re struggling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He knew that for us, our challenges would appear like soaring mountains and that this life would seem like it would go on forever. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And so when people say that the greatest blessing is Imaan, it’s no small thing. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Islam teaches us to be optimistic. Islam teaches us to persevere.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it reminds us that there will be an end. The end. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And that throughout it all, your Lord is al-Wali- The Protecting Friend and the Holder of Authority.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who better than Him to look out for your best interests? </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">---------------</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And it may be that that dislike something while it is good for you and that you like something while it is bad for you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And Allah knows and you do not know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Quraan, 2:16)</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest. (Quraan, 13:28)</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></span></span></div>Chere Moineauhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06949482298526601779noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8405554088113128372.post-17818771517768703672012-01-02T16:20:00.000-08:002012-06-03T22:01:40.306-07:00Whoops!So there's a prosect in the picture and we've been emailing for the past month or so. Just email. <br />
<br />
But I'm a bit of a klutz. And as it would be, I made my first IM blunder today. During our first IM conversation. To make matters worse, after committing the said offence, I panicked, said a quick goodbye and signed out. Hit 'n run. <br />
<br />
It was just a quick chat to set up a meeting time for tomorrow, and to be fair, my keyboard layout is a bit different. It's a French-compatible one, which means that it's a little bit different than the standard. I've also had it for over a year, so I should be used to it by now. <br />
<br />
But I'm not. <br />
<br />
I should've explained that it was a mistake. I shouldn't have pulled a speedy gonsalez. <br />
<br />
I now have two options:<br />
a) Ignore it and hope it doesn't come up during the conversation<br />
b) 'fess up<br />
<br />
And only one these is actually the real option. <br />
<br />
Ah well, he already thinks I'm a bit weird for doing a background google search on him, and then admitting that I already knew what he looked like. Brownie points for being honest, maybe?<br />
<br />
And I'm sure plenty of others have made made similar mistakes, right? <br />
<br />
And...even if it was emabarassing, it's a comedic moment (in retrospect atleast). <br />
<br />
And in spite of whatever other klutzy-type of things I might end up doing (or have already done), I'm comforted by the fact that if he's the one that's meant for me, then my weirdness won't be an obstacle. After all, que sera, sera.<br />
<br />
Just in case you were wondering what the klutzy thing was, I accidently sent him a "wink" instead of a smiley. Yikes.Chere Moineauhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06949482298526601779noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8405554088113128372.post-75731374563520277492011-11-29T19:55:00.000-08:002012-01-28T01:09:01.314-08:00ZaydI got a text from my friend today. She was asking if I was interested at all in him. <br />
He wants to meet again. <br />
<br />
I feel really bad for not giving him another chance. Partly because I see myself as someone who's fighting for the underdog, and on principle, I do believe in second chances. <br />
<br />
But no amount of rationalising can make me want to give him another chance. <br />
<br />
And he's not marriage material - atleast not for me. He's insecure, unmotivated and lacking self-confidence. He could really benefit from some social skills training, actually. And the more I think about it, the more inclined I am to believe that he's likely suffering from acute depression or a related mood disorder. <br />
<br />
I'm not saying this to dismiss him. Just as someone who's trained to work in the mental health field. When we do intakes and consultation interviews, there's a number of symptoms and signs that are immediate red flags; it usually means that a psychiatrist referral is the next step. <br />
<br />
Now, I obviously didn't conduct a mental health interview when I met him. But there's certain things that do stand out: his flat affect, lack of social supports, perspective of life as "boring", inability to envision a future...etc. And if we did end up together, I'd constantly feel like I needed to take care of him. <br />
<br />
I don't want to feel like I <em>need</em> to take care of my husband.<br />
I want to feel like I <em>want</em> to take care of my husband.<br />
<br />
And I know what I need in a husband. Someone with a zeal and excitement for life. Someone who's driven, responsible and is comfortable taking initiative. Someone who is comfortable wearing the 'pants' in the relationship and being the Amir of the family - because I certainly don't want that role.<br />
<br />
There are far too many marriages that I know of where the Amir in the family is in fact the Amirah. Now, I'm not opposed to strong women in leadership roles, in fact by most standards I do consider myself a feminist. But, personally, in the home setting, I know that it's not for me. <br />
<br />
So, sorry, Zayd. InshAllah, you meet someone who is a more suitable match for you. And I pray that you're able to overcome whatever difficulties and challenges you may be struggling with.Chere Moineauhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06949482298526601779noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8405554088113128372.post-57746296291766959882011-11-28T17:56:00.001-08:002012-01-27T23:37:16.363-08:00“The Blind Date”<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Well, it was awkward to say the least.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">I walked in, ordered a large peppermint tea and chose a small table in the centre of the cafe. As I waited, I noticed a guy in an orange parka behind me. I assumed he was a student by the way he was dressed: t-shirt, toque and a big, wooly scarf. After all, working in a government office requires some level of formality, right?</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Apparently not. That was him. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>We were supposed to have met up at 5.30.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But he didn’t approach me until 6.00 even though I was the only hijabi in this small cafe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Actually, I was the only brown girl in the place.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And here’s the punch line:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>why <em>didn’t</em> he approach me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because he wasn’t sure if it was me!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ha ha ha...as if!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>S</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">So he was sitting there texting his cousin, asking her what I would be wearing and seeking her advice on what to do next. </span></span><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And yes, he disclosed all this, after the introductions had been made. I remember thinking that this was odd, and perhaps showed a lack of confidence. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt, afterall, maybe he was just super nervous. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">"No worries, of course it's awkward," I said, as I gave him a reassuring smile. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Yeah, it is."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We talked about the weather, family and our childhoods. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I asked about his life goals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He rambled on for quite a bit about he wanted to pursue a Master’s or PhD, but hasn’t got the time for it right now, and it would have to be an online programme, and that it’s really difficult and it's really too much work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Almost as if he was trying to justify his lack of action in this regard. To me? Or to himself? A</span></span></span><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">nyways, we talked about my programme and career ambitions, and I asked him where he saw himself in 10-15 years. He just shrugged, and noted that he hated his current job and at best, it was "okay". </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">It's one of those things I always ask about: dreams and ambitions, or as some people call them "Life Goals". I think they say a lot about a person and give both parties an idea of whether a future together is feasible. But everytime I asked him something related to this, Zayd simply avoided the topic. And this is definetly a red flag for me. I know that he has some dreams (like the Master's and PhD), but the am</span></span></span><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">bition, the focus and the self-confidence are truly lacking. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I don’t think I could deal with someone like that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m passionate about my dreams and I work hard to get to where I want to be. In fact, so are the majority of the people I know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, you can’t just let life pass you by like that...passively living.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which is<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>exactly what he seems to be doing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s not sure what he wants out of life, switching jobs every so often because “it gets boring” and not really having goals for anything else. It's almost as if he's already hit his mid-life crisis. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Some of his questions were a bit strange, to tell you the truth. He asked about how many prospects I had seen and how long I had been searching. He asked about what the other guys had asked and how long our conversations had been.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He made a comment about how odd it was that I wasn’t married yet, because you know, "in our community, everyone get married young, especially the girls". Now that I'm writing this up, it almost seems like I was being interviewed for a documentary on "The Marriage Quest: A Muslimah's Journey". And although my friends and siblings were offended that he had asked such intrusive questions ("You should've told him off!" and "I would've left right then and there!"), I was just very intrigued. I'm a <a href="http://mindheart.org/junction/oldcj/ep/types/4/45.html">Type Four</a>, with a heavy Type Five wing, so I know that it's just the curious observer part of my personality that was being entertained then.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">At one point during the conversation, I laughed at something and he defensively asked, “What’s so funny?” as if I had been laughing at him. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Fifteen minutes into the conversation he remarked that his train was coming and that we had another fifteen minutes to talk, “not that I’m rushing you or anything”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Okay, cool.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I already knew by this point that the chemistry was seriously lacking. [BTW, how much value do you guys place on this? I know some people who believe that chemistry only develops after the nikah, whereas others believe that it's this spark right from the first meeting.]</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">There’s this one question that I ask myself when I’m considering a new prospect. It’s something that usually makes things very clear cut for me, and gives me direction, wherever that road may take me. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“<em>Is this someone that I can respect and look up to as a role model</em>?”</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Zayd, he’s not.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And if he’s not, then that means that he’s definitely not The One.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Nonetheless, I'm still glad I had the opportuinity to meet him. Because with every new prospect and rishta experience, I learn more about myself and who I really am. And I've come walking out of this one, with fresh new insights. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 10pt 0cm;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Stay tuned.</span></span></div>Chere Moineauhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06949482298526601779noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8405554088113128372.post-28495522302886226112011-11-23T23:39:00.001-08:002012-01-28T01:07:58.590-08:00Breaking PointI kinda lost it today. Just a little. <br />
Or a lot.<br />
<br />
I can't recall the last time I've been this way.<br />
<br />
Spewing out all my thoughts in angry, frustrated tears. In typical drama-TV style telling my siblings that "I didn't need this right now" and explaining how much of a burden it is to be in this situation when your own family members seem to be blaming you for not being married already. And what it's like to have to always be the strong, supportive, optimistic one. <br />
<br />
But that's what being in a family is all about. Being strong and optimistic when the others might not be. Maddie reminded me of that. May Allah bless her immensely because she truly is such an incredible blessing in my life.<br />
<br />
It's evident that the family dynamics have shifted now. Things <i>are</i> different now. My role is changing and the way I see this whole process has definitely changed.<br />
<br />
Before, we were making decisions as collective unit, even the ones about prospects. I was flexible, and could be easily swayed by their arguments and opinions. I just kinda went with the flow.<br />
<br />
Now, I see myself as an adult. An adult who's making this major decision with their consultation. They've made the transition easier for me.<br />
<br />
Saying things like, "You're time's running out" and implying that I can't afford to be "picky" because I'm turning 25 have really nurtured the rebellious, independent spirit within me. The big 25...might as well be the big 40, cause apparently after this blip in the hill, it's all diminishing marginal utility from there. With every year added, my "worth" in terms of marriage material decreases.<br />
<br />
What bollocks.<br />
<br />
As if there's an expiry date on us. "Best Before Age 25"<br />
<br />
lol. That's actually making me laugh a little. Perhaps a good t-shirt slogan idea? :P<br />
<br />
I actually wrote about this way, way back in time. Oh yeah, back on <i>November</i> 26, 2007. SubhanAllah, how strange.<br />
<br />
"<i>To everyone else, it comes as a surprise that I'm not married and I guess
it's just going to become common as time progresses. I don't get it. I'm
only twenty and I look far younger than I am. Most people pin my age at 17.</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<i>But what is the hurry? For goodness sake, live and let live.</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<i>Brown people have this tendency to think of my parent's situtation as
something of a headache. My, my, a string of single children all in their late teens and 20s.</i><br />
<i>Do they ever consider that if this is to be classified as a
headache, then the obligation of a parent to teach good manners, to provide a
good education, to nurture their child into a good person..etc, should be
classified as a heart attack? </i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<i>Marriage is but a very small part of this and yet as soon as you hit
high-school graduation, that's all people think about. And then they wonder why
the next generation of girls are so unmotivated. It doesn't take a genius to
figure out that when they hear their role models being criticized as doing
something against society's norms, that suddenly what these so-called role
model are doing with their lives isn't so good.</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<i>Who was it that came up with this idea of an expiration date anyways? As if
we're all just cartons of milk...waiting and waiting. But so long as all the
other people my age aren't jumping on the marriage wagon yet, I'm safe. But the
line-up is starting. My cousin's wife is a month younger than me. My childhood
best friend is a mother of a one-year-old. And as the list grows longer, that
saftey net around me will slowly begin to give way. Thank God for education-it's
allowing me to buy time, not for long, but at this point I'll take what's given
to me. And run</i>."<br />
<br />
It's funny re-reading that now. I mean, I'm definitely not running from the idea of marriage anymore, if anything I'm kinda running towards it. But my feelings about the "wagon" haven't really changed all that much. <br />
<br />
I mean, who created all these cultural norms anyways? And who decided that we must all conform to whatever everyone else is doing? Imagine a place where we truly understood the value of individuality...man, that would be a nice place to be.<br />
<br />
But in the end, the one thing that puts *everything* in perspective is what's really missing. And that's the idea that in the end, no matter how much you pressure me or will for things to happen faster, they're not going to happen according to <i>your </i>timeline.<br />
<br />
Kun, fa ya kun.<br />
<br />
It's in His power. That's it.<br />
<br />
<br />
Fin.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Coming next: Update on the "Wednesday's Blind Date"Chere Moineauhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06949482298526601779noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8405554088113128372.post-70130013745251931702011-11-20T18:28:00.001-08:002011-11-28T22:20:35.527-08:00Wednesday..is when this thing happens. In my mind, technically, it really <i>is</i> a blind date.<br />
<br />
My sister squirmed a bit when I said that to her this afternoon. After all, Muslims don't date.<br />
<br />
But really what <i>else</i> is this?<br />
<br />
Meeting a prospect at a coffee shop downtown. We've never been formally or informally introduced to each other. He has no clue what I look like, and I have absolutely no idea what he looks like. <br />
<br />
All I know is that I'll be on the lookout for a brown guy in his late 20s. Or maybe I'll just be lazy and let him approach me; it would be much easier spotting a hijabi downtown, right?<br />
<br />
In any case, it definitely sounds like a blind date to me.<br />
<br />
But saying that to myself, is actually making me feel very uneasy. Because there's so much I feel I don't know.<br />
<br />
And I hate not knowing. Usually, I have <i>some</i> information. This time, it feels like nothing.<br />
<br />
I know his name.<br />
I know what he does for a living.<br />
I know about his education.<br />
I know what town he lives in.<br />
I know that our grandfathers were close friends many, many years ago in India.<br />
And I know that our parents know each other.<br />
<br />
That's the extent of it. C'est tout.<br />
<br />
And it unnerves me just as much that Google can't even give me any information on this dude! Not a single hit shows up when I search his name. Not even one.<br />
<br />
O Google, you have failed me.<br />
<br />
And if he's anything like I am, he's likely google-searched me as well. And let's just say that there's A LOT that google can tell you about me. In fact, the first two pages are spot-on. Google will tell you which specific community organisations I'm involved with, and in what capacity. It'll tell you about which high school and universities I graduated from. It'll tell you what my professional qualifications are. And it'll tell you what campus groups I belonged to back in my student days.<br />
<br />
<br />
Sigh. <br />
<br />
<br />
All of the sudden, I'm really dreading Wednesday.Chere Moineauhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06949482298526601779noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8405554088113128372.post-75893682631349283162011-11-16T22:08:00.001-08:002011-11-28T22:20:35.539-08:00Next...There's a new prospect.<br />
<br />
It's always been (much) older Aunties and Uncles who've done the introductions in the past.<br />
<br />
But this time, we're being introduced through one of my friends. <br />
<br />
Weird?<br />
<br />
I seem to think so.<br />
<br />
I think my parents do as well. They seem very intrigued by this idea that friends are "hooking" each other up.<br />
<br />
And it's quite a communication chain; almost feels like that game we used to play as kids; "broken telephone", where a message gets passed from one person to the next.<br />
<br />
Parents communicate with me.<br />
I communicate with my friend via text.<br />
She communicates with her friend via text.<br />
Her friend communicates with her aunt (probably not via text!)<br />
Aunt communicates with her son.<br />
<br />
<br />
This is unknown territory. Of course it feels weird.<br />
<br />
But here's what I'm really wondering about:<br />
<br />
Our first meeting isn't going to be a typical rishta meeting where his family comes over and we talk.<br />
<br />
No, he's requested that just the two of us meet first. In a public place of course.<br />
<br />
"Because he doesn't want it to be uncomfortable for either of us."<br />
<br />
and then if we decide to go forward with this, then the formal rishta type meeting with the parents.<br />
<br />
Is that weird?<br />
<br />
I'm not really sure how I feel about this at the moment.<br />
<br />
I mean I just got kind of used to having people come over and doing things the traditional way.<br />
<br />
And sure, this is arrangement is a lot less nerve-wracking than having to meet the entire family, but it's still nerve-wracking.<br />
<br />
All the more so because I've never done it before!<br />
<br />
oh zut alors.Chere Moineauhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06949482298526601779noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8405554088113128372.post-47900703037384925602011-11-09T18:09:00.000-08:002012-01-27T23:40:11.799-08:00...And the Master Plan Prevails<div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Always.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Every</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"> single</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"> time.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Allhumdulilah.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Can I even describe this feeling? Should I even attempt to encapsulate it in words that are so meager that they cannot even begin to do justice to this very concept?</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">---------------------------------------------</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">To understand the meaning,</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">the core,</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">the essence</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">of <i>TawakulAllah</i></div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">You have to have been tried and tested.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Tried and Tested...</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">and to still be True to Allah,</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">to your faith</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">and to your<i>self</i>.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">--------------------------------------------</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Right now, in addition to searching for a spouse, I'm also on the job hunt. </div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">But this post is about the prospect. Things didn't work out with the latest prospect, let's call him Qasim for future reference. After stalling for nearly 2.5 months, he finally did his istikhara. Negative.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">---------------------------------------------</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Yesterday, I was annoyed at the fact that when things in my life don't work out,</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">-when our scheming and planning- don't work out,</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">I seem to attract my personal little pity party.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><i>Oh man, that's so sad. </i></div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><i>I feel really bad for you.</i></div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><i>Let's get you busy with x,y,z, so that it'll take your mind off of all this.</i></div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">And bitterness, resentment and anger.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><i>I can't believe they would do that!</i></div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><i>What [insert rude insults] they are!</i></div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><i>Why does this keep happening to you?</i></div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><i><br />
</i></div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">And I understand why - they are after all, very natural human emotions and reactions.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">They<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><i>are</i><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>very natural human emotions and reactions.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Reactions.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">That's what they are.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Not responses, but reactions.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">And in these moments, I felt annoyed that during these times, I had to console family and friends.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><i>It's alright, it'll be okay.</i></div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><i>Don't worry, just trust Allah. </i></div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><i>Don't worry about me, I'm actually really okay. </i></div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><i>We don't know when the best time is, or what the best thing is for us, right?</i></div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><i><br />
</i></div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">I felt annoyed because it just seems so ironic - I'm the subject of the scenario, and yet, I'm the one consoling others.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">------------------------------------------------------------</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">I honestly feel that when things don't work out, people get more upset and sad over these things<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><i>than I do</i>.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Often times, I'm not even sad or upset.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Maybe it's natural to feel that way, and that's what they expect of me.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Not just this time, but almost every single time,</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">I thought I would be heartbroken.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">I thought I would be sad, even just a little.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">I thought maybe I'd even be frustrated.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">And perhaps that's what they expected of me as well.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">-----------------------------------------------------</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">At these times, I dread having to run into people I've shared this news with.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">I dread having to have a conversation about it.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">With my immediate family.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">And with my best friends- the only ones outside my immediate family that I would ever even fathom sharing this kind of news with.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">and I start wishing that I hadn't told<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><i>any</i>body at all.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">I feel so conflicted and regretful,</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">And here it comes again....Oh Goodness, I really am such a people pleaser. It's always about thinking about<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><i>their </i>curiosity,<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><i>their</i><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>need and right to know what's going on in my life,<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><i>their</i><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>need to express sympathy, empathy or whatever.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Before I share something like this, do I ever ask myself why I am doing so?</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Do I ever question my own motives and desires?</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Am I doing it because...</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">I'm expected to?</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Because I feel they should know?</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">or because I genuinely want to tell them so that it benefits me?</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">And you know what, I know that my loved ones - every single one of them,</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">are the type to understand if I say I don't want to talk about it.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">And not the type to feel insulted or angry that I didn't share 'news' with them from the very beginning.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">But there's still that internal struggle.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Because,</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">on the one hand, if it <i>had</i> worked out, I would feel guilty that I hadn't told them sooner. And what kind of a best friend doesn't share this kind of stuff?</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">But on the other hand, when things don't work out,</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">I don't want to talk about it because of their reactions.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Because I'm expected to vent,</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">and to have what are natural human reactions - sadness, resentment, anger....</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">------------------------------------------------------</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">But ask my heart,</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">my mind,</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">and my being</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">of what's really happening for me...</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">and it is truly incredible.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">It is truly one of Allah's miracles,</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">and a sign that He is my Guardian Lord.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">SubhanAllah, I really cannot begin to describe this.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">This.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">It's more than a feeling.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">It's more than a way of being.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">It's more than an idea or a concept.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">It's just more.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">This</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"> trumps</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"> every other joy,</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">every other collective and amalgamated form of</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">peace</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">tranquility</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">sakeenah</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">contentedness</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">assurance</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">hope</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">happiness</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">It is better than anything, and everything.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">It is</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><i>TawakulAllah<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></i>in it's purest and most genuine form.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">I feel enveloped in warmth, and mercy and a multitude of blessings.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Enveloped in this wonderful, warm blanket.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">-------------------------------------------------------------</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">I was consoling yet another loved one today that Allah has my best interests at heart and that my job is to simply hope and expect the best from Him.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">To hope and expect the best from Him,</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">and to be rewarded for doing that,</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">because even that is a form of<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><i>ibaadah. </i></div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><i>SubhanAllah!</i></div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><i><br />
</i></div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">"You're so wise", she said at the end of our conversation.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">And it was at that moment, that I began to recognize that I<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><i>shouldn't</i><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>be annoyed with having to console others when things in<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><i>my</i><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>life don't work out.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">No.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Because Allah gifted me with this beautiful<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><i>Tawakul</i>,</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">and maybe,</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"> just maybe,</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">I'm meant to share it with the people that I love.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><br class="Apple-interchange-newline" />Chere Moineauhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06949482298526601779noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8405554088113128372.post-77420354095239387572011-11-09T17:52:00.000-08:002011-11-09T17:52:35.578-08:00The Start<div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">So there's something on my mind, folks.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">It's an idea that's definetly pushing me out of my comfort zone, and yet I keep drifting back to it. C'est quoi ca?</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">It's this idea of sharing my experiences and thoughts on the marriage quest with the world wide web.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Ludicrous? Maybe.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">But there's already a whole bunch of people who are doing it or have done it in the past.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">All anonymous writers who ensure the confidentiality of others as well.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Like SoulSeek at <a href="http://islamicsouls.blogspot.com/">http://islamicsouls.blogspot.com/</a> who's been blogging about his experiences since 2009.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Or hijabi.salioress at <a href="http://hijabisailoress.blogspot.com/">http://hijabisailoress.blogspot.com/</a> ,</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">RedBerries at <a href="http://mymyselfandhim.blogspot.com/">http://mymyselfandhim.blogspot.com/</a>,</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">and Single4now at <a href="http://halfthedeen.blogspot.com/">http://halfthedeen.blogspot.com/</a></div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">These are probably my top picks in terms of Quest Blogs, just because they're all so well-written and insightful, mashAllah.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">And while I can't imagine producing work that's up to par with theirs, I do feel this odd inclination to start a new blog.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Because this journey certainly has taught me A LOT, and I feel like some of this knowledge would be beneficial to others.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Because I have posts going back to 2007 on this...on my private blog of course.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">And I'm not sure why else...</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Maybe it's been on my mind because this coming January will mark 5 years? Maybe. Maybe not.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Anyways, here it goes. </div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">BismillAllah.</div><div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font: medium Georgia; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />
</div><br class="Apple-interchange-newline" />Chere Moineauhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06949482298526601779noreply@blogger.com3