Wednesday, 8 February 2012

Slipping away

[July 2010]

Part Five

Since Monday, I've been thinking about what my thoughts are on this whirlwind. 

And it only comes to one logical conclusion:  For those days, my imaan slipped a little and my belief in qadr waned.   This was supposed to happen, and yet it didn't.

Maybe Mum was right about both those things.

I was asking myself why I had to go through this.

I started reading a lot of that wonderful book, Don't Be Sad and I hungrily searched through all of my kitaabs for excerpts on qadr, being content with destiny, and tassawuf.

And then the moment that I began to see this as a test, everything fell into place.

Allah only tests those that He loves.

And guess what?  He loves me.  :)

This thought alone keeps me going, and I know that because He loves me, He wants to bring me closer to Him.  I've got my faults, and Allah's way of testing me (with these siblings, with this rishta process) is His way of pushing me to seek His aid.

SubhanAllah, were it not for my imaan, and for that things that I have already been taught and my conviction in them, I really think I would have been depressed a long time ago. 

May Allah save us all from that diesease.

SubhanAllah, the amount of tawakul Allah that my parents have is amazing.  And I am so blessed to have them as shining figures in my life.

So, when a servant really wants something, they constantly ask for it.

All the time.  After every salaat.  In every duaa.
In the last third of the night.  Alone, and weeping.

Yes, I really want to be nikah'd and I really want someone to be partnered off with.  But I want that to be the right someone.

Someone who's entire heart is filled with love for Allah, and who only loves me for His sake.
Someone who is a source of inspiration and a role model for me in so many ways.
Someone who I can please, and who in turn, will be pleased with me.

Someone who will be a good husband, and a good father.

And most importantly, someone who will be good for my dunya, and more importantly, my akirah.
This time around, it wasn't meant to be.  And I did make an istikhara, against the advice of my family who wanted to wait it out.

But if Allah is my Wali, then HE is the first one that I will consult.  And that's a rule, desormais (=from this point forward).

May Allah never weaken my imaan to such a state where I question His decree over me.  May Allah protect me from the appearance of having Tawakul Allah and Taqwa, while being completely devoid of it, and may He instead instill in me sincere Tawakul Allah and Taqwa. May He keep me steadfast on the siraat-ul mastaqeem, and may He make the quraan easy on my lips, and the light of my heart. And may He keep me steadfast and sincere in every single one of my duaa's. Ameen.

1 comment:

Striving muslimah said...

Ameen to all the duas. InshaAllah Allah (swt) will put everything in it's place. I was going through something similar to you. And just recently I came to the same conclusion as you. May Allah (swt) grant us real tawakkul. Ameen.