Saturday, 19 May 2012
Heart & Head
About a week ago, I suddenly came upon a realisation. We were sitting on the beach, watching the waves gently tumble in. The day had been serene and quiet with lots of space for reflection.
And then, out of nowhere, "Oh my God. I have a crush on him"
And as soon as those words were said out loud, I realised that there was no way I could deny that they were the truth.
I was dumb-founded. I was shocked.
How could it be?
I mean, yes, he's a wonderful brother. But he's so different from what I expected for myself. But then again, "falling" isn't really expected either.
"We're often the last ones to see what's right in front of us", she reassured me.
And I have this dreaded feeling that everyone thought there was something going on between us, and ofcourse, I was the last to pick up on it.
And now, I'm a little bit stuck. Because my heart tells me he's the one.
But my head tells me that, rationally, logically, it just wouldn't make sense. And that it would be too challenging to fight this. It tells me that the fact that he's younger than me; the fact that he's from a completely different cultural background; the fact that he's still pursuing his studies; and the fact that he doesn't want to get married until after he's done his master's, are all obstacles.
And then, it reminds me that even though he's said that he respects me and admires me, this is no indication that he feels simlarly about me. I mean, he could simply see me as older sister, a role model.
It's scary. To have feelings for someone before the "getting to know you for the purpose of marriage" stage. Because it's just so much more safer to get to know someone and then to develop feelings for them.