Wednesday, 9 November 2011

...And the Master Plan Prevails

Always.


Every

             single

                           time.


Allhumdulilah.

Can I even describe this feeling?  Should I even attempt to encapsulate it in words that are so meager that they cannot even begin to do justice to this very concept?

---------------------------------------------

To understand the meaning,
the core,
the essence
of  TawakulAllah

You have to have been tried and tested.

Tried and Tested...

and to still be True to Allah,
to your faith
and to yourself.

--------------------------------------------

Right now, in addition to searching for a spouse, I'm also on the job hunt.

But this post is about the prospect.  Things didn't work out with the latest prospect, let's call him Qasim for future reference.  After stalling for nearly 2.5 months, he finally did his istikhara.  Negative.

---------------------------------------------

Yesterday, I was annoyed at the fact that when things in my life don't work out,
-when our scheming and planning- don't work out,

I seem to attract my personal little pity party.

Oh man, that's so sad.  
I feel really bad for you.
Let's get you busy with x,y,z, so that it'll take your mind off of all this.

And bitterness, resentment and anger.

I can't believe they would do that!
What [insert rude insults] they are!
Why does this keep happening to you?

And I understand why - they are after all, very natural human emotions and reactions.

They are very natural human emotions and reactions.

Reactions.

That's what they are.

Not responses, but reactions.


And in these moments, I felt annoyed that during these times, I had to console family and friends.

It's alright, it'll be okay.
Don't worry, just trust Allah. 
Don't worry about me, I'm actually really okay.  
We don't know when the best time is, or what the best thing is for us, right?

I felt annoyed because it just seems so ironic - I'm the subject of the scenario, and yet, I'm the one consoling others.

------------------------------------------------------------

I honestly feel that when things don't work out, people get more upset and sad over these things than I do.

Often times, I'm not even sad or upset.

Maybe it's natural to feel that way, and that's what they expect of me.

Not just this time, but almost every single time,
I thought I would be heartbroken.
I thought I would be sad, even just a little.
I thought maybe I'd even be frustrated.


And perhaps that's what they expected of me as well.

-----------------------------------------------------

At these times, I dread having to run into people I've shared this news with.
I dread having to have a conversation about it.

With my immediate family.
And with my best friends- the only ones outside my immediate family that I would ever even fathom sharing this kind of news with.

and I start wishing that I hadn't told anybody at all.
I feel so conflicted and regretful,

And here it comes again....Oh Goodness, I really am such a people pleaser. It's always about thinking about their curiosity, their need and right  to know what's going on in my life, their need to express sympathy, empathy or whatever.

Before I share something like this, do I ever ask myself why I am doing so?
Do I ever question my own motives and desires?
Am I doing it because...
I'm expected to?
Because I feel they should know?
or because I genuinely want to tell them so that it benefits me?

And you know what, I know that my loved ones - every single one of them,
are the type to understand if I say I don't want to talk about it.

And not the type to feel insulted or angry that I didn't share 'news' with them from the very beginning.


But there's still that internal struggle.
Because,
on the one hand, if it had worked out, I would feel guilty that I hadn't told them sooner.  And what kind of a best friend doesn't  share this kind of stuff?

But on the other hand, when things don't work out,
I don't want to talk about it because of their reactions.
Because I'm expected to vent,
and to have what are natural human reactions - sadness, resentment, anger....


------------------------------------------------------

But ask my heart,
my mind,
and my being

of what's really happening for me...

and it is truly incredible.

It is truly one of Allah's miracles,
and a sign that He is my Guardian Lord.

SubhanAllah, I really cannot begin to describe this.

This.
It's more than a feeling.
It's more than a way of being.
It's more than an idea or a concept.
It's just more.

This
      trumps
 every other joy,
every other collective and amalgamated form of

peace
tranquility
sakeenah
contentedness
assurance
hope
happiness

It is better than anything, and everything.

It is
TawakulAllah in it's purest and most genuine form.

I feel enveloped in warmth, and mercy and a multitude of blessings.
Enveloped in this wonderful, warm blanket.

-------------------------------------------------------------

I was consoling yet another loved one today that Allah has my best interests at heart and that my job is to simply hope and expect the best from Him.

To hope and expect the best from Him,
and to be rewarded for doing that,
because even that is a form of ibaadah. 
SubhanAllah!

"You're so wise", she said at the end of our conversation.

And it was at that moment, that I began to recognize that I shouldn't be annoyed with having to console others when things in my life don't work out.

No.

Because Allah gifted me with this beautiful Tawakul,

and maybe,

                just maybe,

I'm meant to share it with the people that I love.






2 comments:

redhum said...

First of all, this is my life 24x7. I hadn't realised that even though it's happening to me I have to console everyone else! And secondly, it's beautiful that you have tawakul in Allah. He truly tests and strengthens those of us who are strong. And inshallah the reward of patience will be worth the wait.

Chere Moineau said...

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one on this boat! If anything, having to console others will hopefully make us more emphatic people...or we'll just end up blowing up at them at some point! :P