Tuesday, 29 November 2011


I got a text from my friend today. She was asking if I was interested at all in him.
He wants to meet again.

I feel really bad for not giving him another chance.  Partly because I see myself as someone who's fighting for the underdog, and on principle, I do believe in second chances. 

But no amount of rationalising can make me want to give him another chance.

And he's not marriage material - atleast not for me. He's insecure, unmotivated and lacking self-confidence.  He could really benefit from some social skills training, actually. And the more I think about it, the more inclined I am to believe that he's likely suffering from acute depression or a related mood disorder.

I'm not saying this to dismiss him.  Just as someone who's trained to work in the mental health field. When we do intakes and consultation interviews, there's a number of symptoms and signs that are immediate red flags; it usually means that a psychiatrist referral is the next step.

Now, I obviously didn't conduct a mental health interview when I met him.  But there's certain things that do stand out: his flat affect, lack of social supports, perspective of life as "boring", inability to envision a future...etc. And if we did end up together, I'd constantly feel like I needed to take care of him.

I don't want to feel like I need to take care of my husband.
I want to feel like I want to take care of my husband.

And I know what I need in a husband.  Someone with a zeal and excitement for life. Someone who's driven, responsible and is comfortable taking initiative. Someone who is comfortable wearing the 'pants' in the relationship and being the Amir of the family - because I certainly don't want that role.

There are far too many marriages that I know of where the Amir in the family is in fact the Amirah. Now, I'm not opposed to strong women in leadership roles, in fact by most standards I do consider myself a feminist. But, personally, in the home setting, I know that it's not for me.

So, sorry, Zayd. InshAllah, you meet someone who is a more suitable match for you. And I pray that you're able to overcome whatever difficulties and challenges you may be struggling with.


SoulSeek said...

Assalamu Alaikum,

I was going to throw in my two pence about second chances and not being so hasty but then I read on...

You're on the ball. And the truth is; if brothers want any half arsed chance in sisters like yourself then they need to step up.

They need to stop being sisters and start becoming men. We are in the state we're in as an ummah because we've too many brothers who lack any kind of drive, ethusiam and aspirations in life.

I've met sisters from all walks of lifes and backgrounds. From Lawyers to Alimah's, I've noticed something within myself. If there's chemistry and compatibility I can pick up any sister I like and I believe this isn't just inherent within me. Any headstrong brother with key qualities can do the same. It's called being a man and I have chapters in my head in how the prophet (saw) was 'the man'.

Living in a society where there's a clash of Ideological ideas and an even bigger clash in roles and indentities, Muslim women have had to step up if they want any kind of opportunities in this society. As a result, our women are becoming on par if not stronger than our Muslim men. Women want want certain qualities and the female counterpart will always want to be loved and cherished. Brothers who don't have that ability aren't going to be a great deal of game, are they?

SoulSeek said...

Oh and march forth girl! It doesn't get any easier. It's a vicious cycle.

Without sounding like a broken record - keep a firm relationship with Allah. He is listening and accepting all your duas. Infinite wisdom on his part.

Remember dat.

Chere Moineau said...

Thanks SoulSeek.

I was just reading an article the other day (from a mainstream magazine) that talked about the possibility of the extinction of the alpha male and a corresponding rise in the number of alpha females in our society. It definetly painted a pretty scary picture, and unfortunately, the way things are going it seems to be a little too close to reality.

Within the Muslim community, you see the phenomenon you described everywhere. Especially when it comes to progressive, Islamic-centered movements and organisations like those related to community development, human rights and the environment. Every volunteer organisation that I've been involved with has been dominated by sisters - which makes it seem that they're the only ones who care about these issues. And this isn't to say that these brothers don't exist; they're just hard to find. The thing is that the girl power movement is very trendy right now, which is fine. But I really think there needs to be some kind of a similar movement for boys...
which is why I've always secretly hoped that when I have children, they'd all be boys. :P