Mounting Anxiety

[July 2010]

ALONE & WAITING

I'm getting so antsy now that at times I think something will just subconsciously pop out of my mouth.

But I've made this promise that I wouldn't ask of anyone in this matter except of Allah, the Most High.

And yet, it takes everything I have to refrain from saying anything and from speaking my thoughts.

It'll be two weeks this Thursday.

And I wish I had a better memory.  It's taking me forever to memorise some duaas.
Like this one:

When waiting for news:
O Allah! I ask for unexpected good and I seek refuge from unexpected evil.

And even the istikhara one.  I've got it in bits, but not all together - in essence I wouldn't be able to recall it without some memory aid.

SubhanAllah.
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Pretending

You know, when I'm so busy I can't have two seconds alone I almost forget about it.  Like today at the picnic.

But, I kinda just want some time to do nothing.  Just be.
But, the drawback to that is that my mind will wander to that topic.  I just wanna know, you know?  It's not that I'm hung up on it..but rather that I feel that it's so unfinished and unresolved, and I just want an answer - any answer.

Mum and I were watching a documentary tonight about the coral reefs.  Apparently, New Zealand has the best system of protected marine reserves in the world, so they were talking a lot about it.

I thought mum would say something.
She didn't.

I didn't either.

I just pretend to not think about it.

But pretending can only work for so long.